OVER

So, I haven't been on in a while because I've been to busy trying to make sense of all that's happened. I have bad news... Jimmy and I are over. He cheated on me in Singapore while he was in port. This whole thing is still such a mess in my head but I do know that I'm going to be totally fine... I'm glad it happened before we got married, at least this way I don't need to get a divorce! He's a decent guy, just had a lot of growing up to do and he needs to learn that cheating isn't how you do things. He told me he got satisfaction out of telling me he cheated. That's pretty low. In any case, I'm doing a pretty good job at moving forward. I've surrounded myself with friends and a great support system. I'm looking forward to the healing and truly moving on to find happiness again. Just so you know I may not be on here writing again... there's kind of no point. Thanks for listening!

When the sub comes in....

I have been trying to connect with other Navy spouses in California in preparation for Jimmy's homcoming and my move there to be with him. I recently found an amazing girl who has been nothing but sweet and helpful since we started talking. We have talked a lot about when I will be in California next (which will be when the sub comes in to port) and I can't explain the excited feeling I have about all of this. It's so nice to have found more support, and a friend to share Jimmy's first homecoming experience with. She is going to be very helpful during this event and she's even going to take pictures for us :) I am so beyond happy that I'm sort of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel here and everyday that passes is bringing me closer to my love. I have started planning and brainstorming for homecoming ideas but just in case Jimmy looks at this blog, I'm not disclosing any details until after. I'm going to SURPRISE him which I never do cause I'm always to excited to make him wait for stuff! lol. Anyways, I just wanted to share the news about a great new friend and that I'm getting super pumped for homecoming even though I still have a ways to go. I will keep posting away, and when that special day finally takes place I will write lots about it! Until next time <3

Emails and other stuff to write about!

I made it through Valentines Day with nothing from Jimmy, he attempted to arrange for flowers to be sent to me with a card and stuff but that didn't work out... Today (a day after St. Patty's Day) I got two emails from him and even though St. Patty's Day isn't something I usually celebrate or anything it was fantastic to see "Happy St. Patty's Day" on an email from him. He didn't get a chance to call me before they left port to tell me he was going back underway so the surprise emails I got were that much more exciting!

I still can't believe I'm surviving this... wait, WE are surviving this! Since he's been underway we have hardly any contact yet we have managed to keep it together and look forward to his homecoming when we can get married and start a life together.

I have been reading other blogs and in case some ladies don't realize this, be happy you get contact with your sailors... One person I follow got emails or textmails or whatever everyday plus phone calls while her hubby was deployed (not sure how often) but since Jimmy is on a submarine we went a couple days shy of an entire month with NO contact AT ALL. That is an  insanely long time to go without talking to your best friend. Granted I wrote notes every night and lots of letters that he recieved once they got to port, but I still heard nothing from him and he couldn't be there to give me advice or help me on my bad days. All I'm saying is yes, I'm sure you miss your sailors as much as I miss mine but at least some of you get waaayyyyy more contact than some of us!

Please Excuse this short rant: I realize everyone misses their significant other when they are gone but posting things like "I miss my hubby, he's been at work for 3 hours" is kind of insane to those of us trying to survive deployments and such. I'm not trying to be insensitive but there's no other way to put this... if you have yet to go through a deployment (which that person I'm talking about hasn't encountered one yet) then you kind of don't know what "missing someone" is really like! I wish I just "missed Jimmy cause he was at work or on duty for a day". Instead I have had to cry my self to sleep countless nights in an emtpy bed, waited on an email, waited on a few short calls he could make while they were in port, and I haven't seen my fiance in two months.... haven't hugged him, kissed him, cuddled with him. NOTHING. Ok, I'm done being selfish now. Sorry to anyone who found my bitching offensive.

Deployment is next to impossible at times, but one important thing I've learned recently is civilians just don't get this lifestyle and trying to talk to them or expecting advice that you want to hear is like beating a dead horse (for lack of better words). I find myself getting lost in facebook, blogs, etc. trying to meet other military spouses and reading about their experiences. It helps me realize that I'm not alone, that everything that has went on so far between Jimmy and I is pretty normal for the military lifestyle. Sometimes all it takes is just reading a blog of another woman who is feeling or was at some point feeling the same way you are and it makes you realize you are strong enough to get through this and that everything will be okay just like your sailor keeps telling you!

Jimmy is famous for telling me everything will work out and I'm the worrier out of the two of us. He is a fly by the seat of his pants kind of guy and although I used to be that way I feel more comfortable having a plan for things these days... I know I can kiss that idea of planning things goodbye since I'm about to marry the military but it's still rather tough to get used to. I know Jimmy is worth all of this, I know that no one could make me happier than he does and there's no one else in the world that I'm more proud of for him being so strong, brave, and fearless. I love him and I'm sure adapting to this type of lifestyle gets easier as time goes on.

I'm swamped with school, projects, homework and a full time job but I plan on starting my Military Chicken Soup book later tonight and I'm hoping that reading it will add to the encouragement and support that I've found in new military friends.

Until next time <3

Ups and Downs of Deployment

Like I wrote in the previous post, Jimmy finally called (for the first time in way too long) and ever since my mood has been up and down. First I was so happy I cried, then when hours passed before our next phone call I started getting upset and feeling weird. He then had duty and I didn't know so about a day and a half had passed before we talked again... my mind was all over! Finally we got a while to catch up, we even had a skype date! It was so crazy good to see him again :) I stayed up all night talking to him, it was beyond wonderful! After that there was more lonely hours before we could talk again... and again, my mind was all over.

We have talked, cleared things up, talked about things that have went on since he left... and all is well but wow! I never imagined him being in port while on deployment would mean another adjustment! I've loved being able to talk to him but it's like I have to get used to it or something. I don't know. I just started "getting used" to not hearing from him for so long so now that he's been able to call here and there I find myself living for the calls and in between them I struggle :-/

I suppose this mean once he goes back underway I'll have to adjust to that all over again. Deployment is insane, it does crazy stuff to your mind and I hate it. I can't wait until my baby is back, and we can finally start our lives together in California.

P.S. My prayers and thoughts go out to all in Japan. I've seen news clips, been looking on the internet and I don't think I can really even understand what this all means. It's so sad and scary, I feel awful that so many people have lost loved ones and are having to go through all this :( The whole thing is just so much to take in that it's going to take a while.

Until next time <3

First call since he left on deployment...

I've been expecting a call soon but really had no clue how long I'd have to wait for it... this morning at 7:41am I heard my baby's voice on the other end of the line!!!!! Deployment is an ugly, scary thing and if I've learned anything this far it's that no matter how hard it gets I will and can not give up. Every night I crawl in my bed knowing I've made it through yet another day and I am another day closer to seeing him again. Our phone call wasn't ALL peachy, he dicussed some not so fantastic news. He has an opportunity to go to dive school when he gets back from deployment but this means we may not be able to get married when we wanted and it also means another 6 weeks that I wont be able to be with him :( I am trying to find something in my mind or heart that'll help me stay positive and be happy that he's been offerred this opportunity but it's so hard to be happy about something that may affect our getting married and that'll keep me away from him even longer. Jimmy is my life, he is what I think about ALL DAY everyday and I'm ready to have him back, I just wish the end of this deployment was sooner than it is. All in all I am ever so grateful that I finally heard "I love you so much" from him, wow... I've missed that like crazy! I'm so thankful he is as strong and courageous as he is. I can't wait to hear from him again and I hope it's soon!

Old Memories...

I frequently listen to old voice mail messages that Jimmy has left me so I can hear his voice... and sometimes I look at old text messages from him since we haven't been able to communicate in so long. Today on my Facebook I looked at a bunch of old love letters he sent me. WOW. I thought it may turn me into a puddle but to my surprise it didn't! It cheered me up even! It gets so lonely writing letters never hearing from him. Seeing all of those old memories was a good reminder of why he's worth the wait. I love him, and I know he loves me... so that's good enough reason for me to wait by the phone. I'm glad I didn't delete all of them sweet little notes he wrote, they made my day today! My advice, hold on to love notes, voice mails, messages... they sure do come in handy on days when it feels like forever since you've talked! Missin him more everyday <3

3 1/2 weeks into our first deployment

Typing "3 1/2 weeks into this is" the easiest part... getting this far has been an emotional roller coaster for me. I keep a journal to write to my fiancé each night and it helps me feel like I still get to tell him all about my days but I get no response, that's where I thought this blog would come in handy! I haven't heard from my sailor in about 2 weeks and even then it was an email from underway. I feel lost! He's my best friend and without him my life isn't the same at all. When he first left I think I was so confused and didn't know what to expect, I was also in denial in a way. I cried a lot, and would talk to anyone that'd listen. Now I find it a tiny bit easier to mask my sadness and keep the tears behind closed doors. Besides the journal I also write letters to send to Jimmy and last night I wrote him a nice long one telling him I was going to find a new hobby so this is it! I also find myself looking for new navy wife friends more these days since I will be one soon myself. It takes a special kind of person to do what our significant others do for this country and it takes a special somebody to standby them, I know I'm strong but without a little support I know these deployments will drive me nuts! I think this is a great outlet for support and meeting more people, hopefully I'm right. I'm still trying to figure out the ins and outs of this web page thing and so any helpful tips would be much appreciated. Well, I'm off to find some "followers" and become a follower to other Military wives pages :-)